Kind of a hard day........

Sorry, but I have to let you know that I have relapsed a little. We came home on Thursday after being with Taz at the San Diego Pet Memorial Park. We were both numb from the day. I don’t remember too much of the evening. I do know that I tried to go to bed later and couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t stop thinking about Taz.

I went to lie down on the couch in the family room. I turned the TV on and went into a “twilight”, not really thinking of anything, a zombie. I’m not sure how much sleep I got, but I did sleep some. Kaci, one of the twins, slept near me.

Yesterday morning, Friday, Charlie came in to where I was about 6:00am. He saw that I was awake and came over. He held me. We didn’t say anything, but each one of us were deep in our thoughts of Taz and his last moments with us. I cried, I heard Charlie swallow and knew he was also having a hard time with losing Taz. He has said several times “He was our child!” ….and he was. All of our cats and our dog, Sheila, are our children. How else can you think about these little souls that depend on us to care for them and love them the way they love us….unconditionally?

So, we went through the day, doing what we needed to do, and we tried to be normal for the rest of the “children”, but they knew something was a little out of kilter.

In the afternoon, while I was out walking Sheila, I prayed to have some sign to let me know that we did the right thing……putting Taz down…..and that it was not too soon. I wanted a sign from him that he was okay with it too. Did I interpret the signs right when he came and layed with me early Thursday morning and I thought he died twice? Because I missed him so much, I worried that he could still be with us, if we hadn’t made that decision earlier. And then I thought that if he had gotten worse, couldn’t walk, couldn’t eat, go to the litter box on his own, was in pain, etc., that I wouldn’t have these doubts, but I still was in doubt. I needed reassurance.

When I got home, I felt better, but still in doubt that we did the right thing. Sometime after I settled in and was watching TV, not really paying attention to what was on, a peaceful feeling came over me. I felt that Taz was okay with it. He was at peace and was in a better place.

Last night I slept in our bed until almost 6:00 this morning. When I awoke, I got up and went to the family room to watch the morning news. Charlie came in about 6:30. He said “Good morning” and expected me to be in my zombie trance, like yesterday morning, but I told him I had slept in our bed and that I had only been here since 6:00! I felt at peace.

So today was a pretty good day, although there were a few times of thinking about Taz that made each one of us choke up. We miss him terribly. I can’t even imagine how people live with losing one of their kids. Shane comes to mind. He was Charlie’s 18 year old cousin who died in a terrible car accident last year. His parents, grandparents and family are still mourning his loss. We are too. It takes time to be able to get back to a somewhat normal life. Nothing is ever the same again.

I remember when my brother, Jimmy, died from a drowning accident years ago. It affected the family like nothing I had ever known before. We had had grandparents die before and that was hard, but nothing hit home like this. It seemed like it took forever for my mother to be able to even say Jimmy’s name, much less talk about something we had done as kids. It was one day after my 18th birthday when it happened, and I was all into myself like so many kids that age are today. I couldn’t understand why my mother would be crying in the middle of the day or why she didn’t want to talk about him.

My mother was away from work for over a month. We were in the bedroom sorting clothes for the laundry one day, and we both heard “Mama?” as clear as day. We looked at each other and said, “Did you hear that?” No one else was in the house that day. Mom said, “Who did that sound like to you?” I said, “Jimmy”. She said, “That’s who it sounded like to me too.”

To this day, I don’t know what we heard, but it does make me believe that there is a connection. I do look forward to seeing people I love, again and I do look forward, and hopefully it’s true, that there is a “Rainbow Bridge” and we will see our beloved pets again. I have to believe that. Otherwise, I’m destined to sit and cry for our babies that have gone from us. We miss them so much. It makes it “easier” to think that we will see them again.

I will be better tomorrow, but I can’t promise there will be no more relapses.

More later………..

(Originally posted Saturday, 10/9/10)