"Guess How Much I Love You........"

July 2009

Last Christmas Charlie made and gave me a collection of home movies and pictures of Taz. There were three DVD’s. One was a “bonus” tape. I couldn’t bring myself to watch them right away. I was finally able to watch the first two last month. I was missing Taz so much and wanted to see him again in our happier days. The tapes were hard to watch, but I enjoyed them. They brought back happy memories.

Last night I decided to watch my “bonus” tape. It was definitely that--a bonus.

I had forgotten about a tape that I had made for Charlie several years ago when he was transferred back to Pennsylvania and I was here. I actually made several tapes during that time of me and the cats and Chelsi and sent them to him.

One tape that I made was of me reading Tazzy a “bedtime” story. The name of the book was “Guess How Much I Love You” by Sam McBratney.

Tazzy was 3 or 4 years old at the time. I put him on a blanket behind me on the fireplace hearth, where he happily stayed and I sat on the floor in front of him. I used his name and my name in place of the character’s, (i.e. Tazzy, instead of Little Nutbrown Hare and Mommy, instead of Big Nutbrown Hare). It went something like this:

"Tazzy, who was going to bed, held on tight to Mommy’s very long ears. He wanted to be sure that Mommy was listening. “Guess how much I love you.” he said.

“Oh, I don’t think I could guess that,” said Mommy.

“This much,” said Tazzy, stretching out his arms as wide as they could go.

Mommy had even longer arms. “But I love you this much”, she said.

Hmm, that is a lot, thought Tazzy. “I love you as high as I can reach,” said Tazzy.

“I love you as high as I can reach,” said Mommy.

That is very high, thought Tazzy. I wish I had arms like that. Then Tazzy had a good idea. He tumbled upside down and reached up the cat tree with his feet. “I love you all the way up to my toes!” he said.

“And I love you all the way up to your toes,” said Mommy, swinging him up over her head.

“I love you as high as I can jump!” laughed Tazzy, bouncing up and down.

“But I love you as high as I can jump,” smiled Mommy–and she jumped so high that her ears touched the branches above.

That’s good jumping, thought *Tazzy. I wish I could jump like that. “I love you all the way down the lane as far as the river,” cried Tazzy.

“I love you across the river and over the hills,” said Mommy.

That’s very far, thought Tazzy. He was almost too sleepy to think anymore. Then he looked beyond the rose bushes, out into the big dark night. Nothing could be farther than the sky. “I love you right up to the moon,” he said, and closed his eyes.

“Oh, that’s far,” said Mommy. “That is very, very far.”

Mommy settled Tazzy into his favorite green blanket. She leaned over and kissed him good night. Then she lay down next to him and whispered with a smile,

“I love you right up to the moon—and back.”

I bought that book because when I read it at the book store, it said everything about how we feel about all of our babies. I think about the ones who are not here now, except in our hearts.....Rowdy, Calvin, Chelsi, Grady, Taz, and even others before them.....and how each one of them made us laugh and of course, just fall in love with them.

Taz and Grady
10-6-03

Grady passed away one year ago today. It just doesn’t seem that long ago, although time has helped and it will help eventually when I think of him and Taz and maybe not get a lump in my throat each time.

Thank you, Charlie, for putting together our visual memories of Taz. I know you love him and the other babies as much as I do.

More Later.........

*In real life, Tazzy could jump very high. I've seen him jump to the top of a 6' high fence, from standing still, next to the fence....no running starts.