All we need is love..........

I started to write about our new kitten, Jonesie, but then I got side-tracked when I was looking at some of the posts from the feline-lymphoma site that I joined back when Taz was first diagnosed. There are so many people who have cats who have lymphoma. It’s just amazing. I guess years ago, cats had this disease and we just never knew what it was. They started losing weight, we tried to feed them, they wouldn’t eat and then one day we never saw them again if they were outdoor cats, like so many were. Who knows? I know that when I was growing up, my parents didn’t take our cats or dogs to the vet, that I can remember. It just wasn’t something that people did back then.

Some of the things they’ve learned from veterinary medicine has helped in treatments for people. Maybe that’s one reason why it’s good that things have changed so much in that we take our pets to the vet when they are sick. In Taz’s case, we took him to a Veterinary Specialty Hospital which is affiliated with University of California Davis. They learn so much from the cancer treatments. They know what to expect when a chemo protocol is not working. They can suggest a rescue treatment, but after using the most successful one, it is rare that the rescue will work.

From the beginning of Taz’s treatments, he wasn’t the normal patient. When the doctors thought he would zig, he zagged. Each time Taz went in for chemo, he never had the “normal” effects of his disease. He wasn’t nauseous, he didn’t have diarrhea he was not listless. Even when he stopped eating and we took him in for emergency visits, he fooled everyone. He was alert and struggled. The technicians were used to sickly cats who had no strength. Taz was strong. But, when they took blood tests, it showed anemia. He had a blood transfusion. And then later, he wouldn’t eat and we force fed him. He swallowed the food and didn’t throw it back up. That was unusual they said. When we took him in to see why he wouldn’t eat, they found that he had a blockage and just a small amount of food was getting by. He must have felt so bad. We were stuffing him like a turkey. He still never threw it back up.

He had surgery to remove the blockage and he felt better. We had hopes that the remission would last and he could finish his chemo treatments. But, the disease came back with a vengeance. The doctor knew the outcome would not be good. They see so much of this. I just thought since Taz had tricked them at every turn, he could beat this. But, I was wrong.

I’m still beating myself up and wondering if we did the right thing by letting him go on October 7, 2010, just three months after he was diagnosed with lymphoma. I can’t get the thought out of my mind.....why did we take him in that day? Why didn’t we wait another week when he was due to go back in for another treatment? He wasn’t eating, but why did I feel like he needed to go in? I was trying to get him to eat and he wouldn’t. But, he was alert and even played a little. He liked to lay in the cat tree, by the window, with the sun shining in. I still can’t move that cat tree in the dining room.

So, I was looking at the feline-lymphoma site today and came across someone who has a cat with intestinal lymphoma:

“My 11 year old Siamese mix, Sarah, was dx with intestinal lymphoma in late
September. It was advanced, with tumors throughout her intestinal tract. The vet
suggested we try chemo, which happened but she was violently nauseated and ill
after tx and I decided to stop chemo after early November. She had not had
positive response to it.

She has had on-going pain since the end of November. She is currently
getting 1.5 ml of Torbutrol and 5 mg of cortisone twice a day. Yesterday it was
clear that the pain meds were not working. She had fast breathing, was restless,
not eating, and moving anxiously. I already know that she will not suffer any
more pain if the pain meds are not working. My question is: she's alert; even if
this is the case should I go ahead and put her to sleep now or can I try
increased meds? This particular cancer is a new situation for me and I really
don't know what signs others have found useful. Apparently I can put her on
Torbutrol 4x daily 1mg per dose, but what are end of life signs?”

When I read this, I realized that when we took Taz to VSH that day, the doctor told us that we were borderline. We could take him home for another week or so and the lymphoma would probably really start causing him pain and eventually breathing problems. At that time, we didn’t want to see Taz suffer the pain and discomfort. After Taz’s surgery, we had given him Tramadol 2ml every 8-12 hours as needed for pain. I can’t imagine having to keep him on pain meds and watch him lose more weight.

I miss Taz terribly and I’m not sure when I will be able to think of him without a lump in my throat. I’m not sure why he has affected me this way. Maybe because he was with me all of the time and became a part of me. It’s hard to have a little soul constantly around for almost 12 years and not feel an emptiness when he’s not there anymore.

Charlie and I do talk about him all of the time and we smile and laugh at his antics. We say “Remember when he did this or did that”. He still lives in our hearts.

The more I learn from others and their experience going through this disease with their cats, the more it helps me know that we did what we thought was best for Taz at the time, even though it still hurts us. He’s not suffering and I’m happy about that, but right now, it’s not so easy for me. I do think I’ll see him and my other pets one day, as well as my parents and other relatives who have died.

Not long after Taz died, I joined a lymphoma-loss group. (I know, is there no end to “groups”?). Believe me, they do help. You get to see that when you think you’re going crazy grieving over a CAT, there are so many who are grieving the same way and some are even having a harder time, if that’s possible. Today I read this:

“My precious Snowflake went Home on October 16, 2008, and I still miss her
every day. I also have other beautiful fur kids, but she was so special, so
wise, so knowing.
I have said this many times on this site, but again- I had a clear, vivid
near death experience a few years ago. The first Beings I saw when I entered
the Light were my pets who'd gone before me. So, I know now Snowy's face
will be the first one I see when I go back Home to stay.
Blessings to you. We are here for you, and we all understand.”

I replied to her and let her know how much it helped me to know that I would see Taz again one day.

I also received a book from a friend at Christmas which refers to scriptures in the Bible about whether animals go to Heaven. I believe they do. Their souls are innocent.

More later..............