--Unknown
Me and Taz
Tazfocused on something
Well I guess there’s just no way that I wouldn’t write about Taz on this day, one year since he left us.
There has not been a day that has gone by that I have not thought of him. I miss him terribly. To people who don’t know what that feels like, I really don’t want you to know. For me, I think it has made me sick. I think part of my health problems that I’ve had for the past year, have been because I have been so heartsick and hurt over losing this little cat, Taz, who I loved and needed so much. I just couldn’t get past it. It is hard to explain and I’m not really going to try. I will say that Taz was unlike any cat or pet that I have ever had in my whole life.
He was mine. He was completely mine. I don’t know when it happened, but I think we knew he was special from the moment we got him from the animal shelter in December 1998. He was only about 6 weeks old.
Taz came home with us and from the minute we got him home, he was known as “The Baby”. Not “Baby”, but “THE” baby. We knew that one day he would be the one who was going to help us get through the sorrow of losing our two older cats, Rowdy and Calvin. Of course, they were only about 10 years old when we brought Taz home.
Rowdy and CalvinI honestly thought that I would have Taz for a long time. Rowdy and Calvin lived to be 14 and 16, respectively.
Taz was never sick. He was always a healthy cat. When he was a kitten, he was very small, all ears. We fed him kitten chow. We took him to the vet when he was about 18 months old. The vet weighed him. She asked if we still had him on kitten food and we said yes. She said, “Take him off. He’s huge.” We put him on regular adult food then.
Taz and GradyWe used to buy kitten food for him and he just loved it. We never thought anything about it until the vet said he was getting too big. He wasn’t fat, he was just very lean and long and heavy.
The only problem Taz ever had was with his teeth. We took him in for an exam and the vet found that some of his teeth were missing. I told them that we’d never had his teeth cleaned or pulled. Either they never came in or they fell out. It was characteristic of the Abyssinian cats and we think that Taz was part Abyssinian. He had the almond eyes and the tawny undercoat, not to mention that distinctive sound when he meowed.
Anyway, it was quite a shock that in July 2010, we took Taz to the vet because he had been losing weight. Our vet took an X-ray and noticed something that she thought required an Ultra Sound follow up.
Sure enough, they detected a tumor in his intestines. After a biopsy, they diagnosed lymphoma.
We were devastated when we heard the news. We immediately contacted our Veterinary Specialist Hospital, the same ones who had treated Chelsi and her cancerous tumors back in 2007.
They examined Taz and since he was still in pretty good shape, had not lost a lot of weight, they had an optimistic outlook for him. We started Taz on chemo and really didn’t know what to expect.
He took it fairly well, although at first he hid under the bed a lot. He wasn’t sick to his stomach like I expected, but then they told us that cats are different on chemo.
He had a protocol that I wrote on the calendar. I think it was every couple of weeks we’d have to take him in for the procedure. I’m doing this from memory now.
We were so hopeful that he would get through the protocol and go into remission. We’ve always been so blessed. I had no reason to think that Taz would not survive this. Really, I thought he would.
When we discovered his blockage and that he had to have surgery, we thought, maybe this will get it and we’ll have Taz back. But, he was only in “surgical remission” for a short time. When the cancer cells came back, they came back with a vengeance we had not seen before.
We knew that we were losing the fight when they took him off the original chemo protocol he was on. That was the most aggressive one. If it wasn’t going to work for him, the rescue one probably wouldn’t either.
Now that I know more about this thing, I would have fought harder for Taz. I would have kept him on the rescue drug longer, just to see if it would have helped him.
He was so strong, right to the end. He still had so much strength in his body. It was unbelievable. I can still feel his muscles when I held him that last day, October 7, 2010. We were at the hospital. The vet was going to examine him.
I feel so lucky that I had Taz in my life. He was one of those little souls that come into your life and they are there for awhile sometimes before you realize what they mean to you.
I’m not sure just when Taz and I bonded the way we did. We think it’s when he was about 4 months old. I had foot surgery and had to stay close to the couch for about a week. He was with me the whole time.
Tazabout 6 weeks old
Since he was “The Baby”, he just took over our life. He was my cat, but at night when we were watching TV, he could walk across Charlie, just to say hello, and then come over to me. He loved both of us, but I knew he was mine.
I’ve never felt so loved, adored and owned by a cat, than I felt with Taz. I miss him with every beat of my heart, every day.
Me and "The Baby"I want to keep him close to me, but I also know that for the past year, I have been so obsessed with his memory. I thought it was strange and unusual, but when I read my lymphoma-loss website, I know that I’m not alone. Others have cats who mean the world to them too.
I was dreading the one year anniversary of Taz’s death. It’s like it’s been one full year now. That seems like such a long time.
I’ve survived that year and it really hasn’t been easy. My life really did change when Taz first got sick and then when he died. I really never could imagine him dying. I don’t know why, but I thought he’d just live such a long time. If he got sick, it would be from thyroid or something like that. He would just get weaker and die in my arms one night. I never thought he’d have cancer, go through chemo, surgery, and then die after only about 3 months.
And I think sometimes that we should have brought him home that afternoon, October 7, 2010, instead of letting him go and taking him to the Pet Memorial Park for cremation.
What if we had brought him home with us? Let him sleep in the cat tree in the afternoon sun, where he liked to sleep? How long would we have had him? When would he start having trouble breathing, like I’ve read that so many of them do? I couldn’t bear that either. Even though, in my heart of hearts, I know we did the best thing for him and for us, I still can’t stop saying to myself, what if? I don’t think that will ever go away for me.
So, this day marks a year which has gone by and it has not been an easy one for me. It’s one I will not forget and I don’t say that with a smile. Because I know I can make myself sick by thoughts I have, I work on getting past this. To a lot of people, it may be silly, but Taz, yes, he was a cat, was an incredible little guy who was with me all of the time. He was amazing. He watched over me. He gave me attention. Charlie understands our relationship. He knows what I went through when Taz died and it has not been easy for him either. I know he loved Taz too.
Sleep tight, Taz. I will always remember you. I will always think of you. Looking at your pictures comfort me, although sometimes they make me miss you. That will not ever change though. I love you. I know you are somewhere watching me, just as you always did. We will have other babies, but you’re always going to be “The Baby”.
Taz, The Babyabout 6 weeks old
More later.........
No comments:
Post a Comment