This is one proud Mom with her "baby"When Taz was diagnosed with lymphoma in July 2010, it was something we had never faced before. I mean, Chelsi, our dog, had been diagnosed with a tumor in her chest in March 2007. It was inoperable and a slow growing cancer. We were lucky to have her with us for another year and a half. I would say that a year and three months of that time were quality time. It was only the last two or three months that Chelsi’s health declined quickly.
With Taz though, we thought that the chemo therapy he would receive would extend his life at least until maybe Spring of 2011. We were hoping anyway.
Not long after Taz started chemo I joined a support group online called feline_lymphoma. Everyone who was on there was writing their stories and questions about what they were going through. I was updating on Taz’s treatments, etc. There were so many people on that site talking about their cats going through this terrible disease. It was amazing what they did for their cats. I joined the site at a time when I was totally clueless about lymphoma. I went back and read the cases earlier and what happened. There were success stories, but most ended the way ours did with Taz, unfortunately.
When Taz died in October 2010, I still visited the site to keep up on the ones who were still struggling with the treatments and sometimes a remission, which was bittersweet news for me because Taz was gone. Don’t get me wrong. I was happy for the person who still had their sweet baby with them....for awhile longer. I know that remission is a fleeting moment sometimes. We had surgical remission with Taz and we were elated until we got the news that the cancer was back with a vengeance.
Anyway, one of my online friends suggested that I go to the lymphoma_loss group. We crossed over to that group when we and our babies lost the battle with lymphoma.
I went to the site and told my story of Taz and the brave fight we had put up and lost. It was as sad as any story I read on the site, which by the way, started in July 2007. There are only about 1,000 postings on the site today. But, I got support that I needed and found that others had gone through the same thing and some had even worse experiences.
I still check the site once a week or so, just to see how everyone is doing. I’m notified when a new person joins. The latest person came on July 8 and had lost her cat to lymphoma 4 weeks earlier. She was heartbroken, as we can all imagine:
“I still can't imagine life without him. I look for him
every day. So much of my daily routine involved Sylvester - getting him
to eat in the morning when I woke up, getting him to eat at night when I
came home from work, giving him his meds, him sitting on my lap on the
couch at night while I watched TV, lying in my arms at night while I
sleep. I just can't get over the fact that he's gone. He was diagnosed
in August 2010 and lived 10 months on chemo treatments that he went for
every week and then every other week. Two weeks before he died he
stopped eating altogether. A new mass had formed in his intestines (he
was originally diagnosed with large cell intestinal lymphoma when he had
a mass removed from his intestines in August). I was syringe-feeding
him every day, several times a day. In Friday, 6/10 I woke up early to
find him lying in his litter box. When I picked him up he was all limp.
When I laid him on the carpet, he seemed to gasp for air. I rushed him
to Animal Urgent Care (since it was 6am) and had him put to sleep. I
felt he was suffering. No, 4 weeks later, I can't get those last 2
weeks out of my head. I keep thinking of him as sick as he was. I
can't stop thinking of those last moments of his life as he was laying
on the cold, steel examining table at the vet's office. I force myself
to think of a good memory whenever I find those bad ones popping in but
it's hard. They sent me his ashes and a paw print after he was
cremated. I have them sitting on my dresser and I look at them every
day. My mom thinks I should put them away so I can't see them every day
but I didn't. When will those bad memories go away? When will I only
think of the good times we had? He was only 7 years old - too young to
leave me. I have another cat, Nellie, who doesn't seem to miss him at
all. She has been sitting on my lap more, which is what Sylvester used
to do. My mom thinks she is being empathetic but I think she's just
happy to be top cat again. I'm glad I have her there with me. She's 14
and healthy (except for a heart murmur and a touch of asthma).
Well, thanks for listening. I'm trying to get through this but it's
hard, you know?”
Yes, we know. We’ve been through it too. I’ve always second guessed our decision to let Taz go when we did. But, when I read about the trouble that her cat had breathing, etc., I wouldn’t have wanted Taz to go through that. Maybe he would have been all right a little longer, but the lymphoma was spreading in his body. It was large cell and very aggressive at that time. It wouldn’t have been long before it affected his breathing. I can’t think of anything worse than not being able to breathe.
I can't get certain things out of my mind either, like the last time I saw Taz. I’m sure Charlie has memories that he can’t erase either. When we took Rhody to the hospital that morning, they took him back for X-rays. We left the examining room and walked down the hall to get some coffee. Charlie said he couldn’t help but think of the “comfort room” where we sat with Taz before he went to sleep. We could see it down the hall. Both of us will never forget that day.
She writes:
“Sylvester's oncologist called me on Friday. She had been out of the office
since before Sylvester died and just now heard about his death. She was calling
with condolences. I told her everything that happened to Sylvester in the 2
weeks leading up to his death. It just opened the wound all over again. All
weekend I've been sad thinking about it. I was lying in bed this morning
thinking about how Sylvester used to eat his grass plant and I started crying.
Even the good memories are making me sad. I just miss him so much. I finally
put a couple of his pictures in frames and set them around the house. I have
one by my bed and one by the couch where I sit and watch TV at night - where
Sylvester used to sit with me while I watched TV. This morning Nellie, my other
cat, sat up and stared at the corner where Sylvester used to sit on weekend
mornings while he waited for me to get out of bed. I think Sylvester's spirit
was in the room checking on me and Nellie. Am I just torturing myself by
putting his pictures up where I can see them? I feel like I need to see him
every day. It just hurts so much, you know?
Sylvester had this thing that he used to do where he would climb up on my lap
and curl up in my arms and lay his head on my chest. I miss those moments. I
miss hearing him scratch and kick litter out of his litter box. He used to use
his litter box and then kick all kinds of sand out onto the carpet. He was so
messy. But I miss hearing him do that. He also had the tiniest meow. He was
such a big kitty - 15 lbs - but he had the meow of a kitten. It was more like a
squeak. I miss hearing him meow at me.
I just miss him.”
Yes, I know the feeling. My reply to her:
"You are going through the normal grieving process. We all are. Everyone handles it differently. I started a blog soon after my Taz was diagnosed in July 2010. I told of his ups and downs, etc. and it's been 9 months since he died and I can't go back and read those blogs...yet. Maybe one day. It still hurts terribly when I think about what he went through and how brave he was right to the end.
I think of the good times that Taz and I shared, but the thoughts are bitter-sweet because I want those times back so badly and I know they are gone forever. I was so lucky to have that little angel in my life. He was truly an amazing cat.
I totally understand your missing Sylvester and the sounds he made in his routines. Not a day goes by that I don't sit and wish to have Taz back with me. I still miss him terribly and I still break down and cry at times. I just let myself feel whatever I feel. I've accepted that grief will be with me and as time goes by, no matter how long it takes, I will find peace without Taz in my life, but I will not ever forget him and will always think about him.
When I'm sitting on the patio where he liked to sit with me, in my chair at night watching TV or reading, in the yard sitting on the bench in the corner, which I call "Taz's Bench", or especially in bed at night where he used to come up and lay on my chest and try to lick my face. I wouldn't let him lick my face, because of his rough tongue and I had moisturizer on which I didn't want him to ingest, so I put my palm up and he would lick my palm and I would rub the top of his head like I was "washing" his head. It was something that just he and I shared and I miss having him there and I miss the attention that he always showed me.
I have other cats who I love dearly. They are special to me, but there will never be another like Taz. That's what I'm grieving too. My heart is broken and I just take it one day at a time.
I have two pictures of Taz in the bedroom. Also, I keep his little paw print nearby and sometimes when I'm in bed at night and I'm thinking of him, (which is
every night), I take the little cast and hold it next to my chest. I run my fingers over the imprint of his paw. The imprint was taken within minutes of Taz's death, by his oncologist technician, before we took him to be cremated.
I also have a bigger picture of Taz which a good friend of mine gave me for Christmas. She had it printed on canvas and I hung it in the family room so Taz
looks down at me when I sit in "our" chair. His eyes are looking at the camera, so it looks like he's looking at me, no matter where I move in the room. It gives me great comfort to have those pictures where I can always see him.
So I say, enjoy your pictures of Sylvester and think about him any time you feel
like it. May they comfort you and make you feel his presence. Cry when you feel
like it. It's all normal as far as I'm concerned. I'm not anywhere near done
crying....
Take care my friend and be well."
Kind of like the blind leading the blind, but any light in the dark will help.
More later..........
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